"All Choices Have Consequences, No Matter the Decision" Written for the Amelia Center newsletter (Tears To Hope)

“All Choices Have Consequences, No Matter the Decision” Jennifer Baker

In life most things really boil down to choices. Sometimes we have full control over a choice. Sometimes we believe we have no choices. In fact there are some consequences in life that are the result of someone else’s choice, that we had no control over, or any input into those choices. However, we do control the choices we make as a response to that choice. How would our choices change if we applied the phrase “All choices have consequences, no matter the decision” to every situation in our lives? We would begin to see our own influence over our circumstances very clearly. When you choose the consequences you are willing to accept, you are undoubtedly making a decision, and therefore take ownership of the choice. When you own the choice you own the consequences of that choice.

So how does that apply to grief? You have no input into the loss in your life. You really can not affect death or the timing of it. Sometimes, after a death, it feels like there is no way to escape the pain. We wish we could undo the death or somehow make the pain stop. We can not control how much pain we feel. So, if can not choose to make the person return and you can not choose to make the pain stop, where are your choices? In the words of Victor Frankl, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Everyday you wake up after someone you love has died you are faced with many choices. Participating in life is now a choice. Before the death, you probably never questioned whether you would get out of the bed in the morning. You probably took for granted that you would shower or get in your car and go to work. You just accepted those daily tasks as you went about the business of living. However, after a death, everything about life as you knew it prior to the loss is different. Suddenly you have choices, where before you just had daily life. “Should I lay in my bed today or get up and go to work?” “Should I shower or care for myself?” “Should I have this drink so I won’t have to think about the death for a few hours?” “Should I go to grief counseling?” “Should I live?”

Granted some of these choices may seem extreme, but they are realistic choices for every grieving person. Life is hard work when you are grieving. You have fewer resources, physically and emotionally, than you had before the death, mainly because your energy is spent on the work of grief. However, if a grieving person can choose the consequences instead of looking at ambiguous and cloudy choices, they are able to see more clearly how the choices they make can affect them in a positive or negative way. “If I don’t get up and go to work, I will get fired and therefore will not be able to provide for my family.” “If I drink this bottle of alcohol I know eventually I will be right back at the beginning again, feeling the pain.” “If I choose to make an effort to participate in life, then I will choose not to let the pain take charge of my life.” Another quote from Victor Frankl states, “Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” Choice then, leads to freedom. When we choose our consequences, we are not paralyzed by them. Therefore, choosing to participate in life in spite of the pain of death brings with it the consequence of healing.