Just Keep Swimming

This is the inaugural article I wrote for our newsletter at the Amelia Center:

Just Keep Swimming – Jennifer Baker 8-26-09
It has been six weeks since I dove into the world of grief counseling at the Amelia center. In this short time I have learned a great deal, and have been touched by so many people and their personal stories of hope and healing. I have seen people who have just been hit with the hardest news they have ever faced, the death of someone close to them, and I have seen people who are a little further down the path on the road of hope and healing. I think about their grief and their loss, and while they are unique in their stories and circumstance, their pain seems universal. There seems to be one underlying theme in the counseling room, they want to be better, to work their way out of the intense pain and to feel better. One mom stated it something like this, she didn’t want to forget her child, she said, “I just don’t want to cry every time I remember him.” So the key is that grieving people want to be able to hold on and yet, somehow let go of the pain of the loss.

Hearing this mom, and many others parents speak of their grief, I have come to a conclusion about the process of grief. In many ways I see grief as very similar to the ocean. When people are at the beginning they feel like they are alone, floating in a deep dark, ocean, and there is no land around to cling to… nothing stable. They are using every bit of their energy to survive. They weather storms and waves of overwhelming grief. Sometimes it is so hard, they feel like they can not hold themselves up and occasionally they do sink, but they survive. It takes all of their energy, all of their will and focus, but they survive. Eventually, after much struggle, they become really strong swimmers and they find themselves moving closer to the shore. They can’t stand yet, but they have hope that soon they will able to put their feet on solid ground again, because off in the distance they can see the shore. This is where a grieving person has some hint of that new normality that comes in after time has passed and they begin to adjust to life without their loved one. After much time, they look down into the water and it becomes clearer. They can see through it. It isn’t dark anymore. They can see the bottom of the ocean. They are closer to feeling good than they have been before. Occasionally, a storm will come and knock them further out into the ocean again, but they survive and keep swimming toward the shore. The closer to shore you get the better you feel. This is the work of grief. It is a continual process of swimming toward the shore. One father who lost his son a few decades ago said it like this, “I know I am getting better when the tears turn into smiles. I know I’ll never be the same again, but I know I am better.”

Eventually, they make it to the shore. They are able to step out of the water, and feel the stability of the sand beneath their feet. They can turn and look out into the ocean and maybe they even see the beauty of it. They are different than they were when they were dropped in the middle of the water into that ocean of grief. They are strong and have confidence that they will survive. They will not lose hope, and even though the ocean is still there with its deep and treacherous water, they are not consumed by it, they are not drowning… they know they can swim. And so they will continue to swim, and to survive My heart goes out to all of those families in our care who are working so very hard to swim.

Feel free to watch this really well done video on our services here at the Amelia Center...
http://video.chsys.org/videos/miracle_stories/Amelia_Center_Impact_Video_2008.wmv