Restless Heart

I was cleaning out one of my many cluttered bags today and found a pretty painful poem I had written. It was tucked inside one of my church bulletins. There was a quote inside the bulletin that I thought was profoundly simple and an obvious answer to my hearts cry. God is so lovingly subtle and yet so obvious sometimes. All I was doing was cleaning out a bag.

Restless Heart

Oh heart, I hate you.

How you betray me.

Why do you abandon me?

How do you escape me?

I can not control you.

You can not be contained.

Even when I fight

To hold on to innocence,

You corrupt my attempts.

The sin that is buried underneath

Is a shadow that clouds my soul.

When will I be free,

Of this intense hypocrisy?

Oh heart you are restless…

When will I find rest

If there is not rest in me?

“Our hearts are restless, until we find rest in Thee”... Augustine

The Crippled Man

Today I was feeling particularly low. I had to run by Tarjet' (Target) to pick up a wedding gift, baby gift, and birthday gift. I was so down. I have some issues in my life that are constantly on the edge of my heart. I was all inside myself, and then I saw him. There was this man who looked to be in his fifties... in a wheelchair. He was next to his car, all alone. He was attempting to open his back door but the door kept closing on him. He was trying to get his cane out of the backseat. After three tries, he had his cane. Then he had to roll backwards, unlock and open his trunk. I was just sitting there watching him, the traffic was jammed up in front of Best Buy. I kept thinking that one of the passers by that was headed to the parking lot was on their way to help him, but no one even seemed to acknowledge him, no one even saw him. He was not weak looking. He did not look out of control or helpless. I would have assumed he was helpless, but then he stood with his cane, and leaned on his car. With one hand propped himself up and then with the other hand he folded and threw his wheelchair into the back of the trunk. I was shocked. For so many reasons. No one helped him. That was the first thing that struck me as wrong. His whole situation would have been less difficult if someone had taken the time to stop and look at him, but, they truly did not notice. I was angry at those people. Then he was in his car, and looked just like every other person driving around in the parkinglot. He was crippled but now you couldn't even tell.

I thought, now that is just ironic. That man is me. Here I am in my car...all alone and sad, and feeling crippled in so many ways. I am riding around and look just like everyone else. Like the crippled man, I looked strong and in control (or at least I tried to). No one noticed me. I looked the same. I was just another shopper presumed to be doing the same thing, and on the same mission. I wanted to blend in and not look sad or like I was different, I did not want anyone to know I was hurting. But I also was needing someone so badly to see me. I needed some compassion. I had just come from a gathering, and for the most part I looked the same there too. But under my skin and in my heart I was aching. Only one person noticed, but I didn't really want them to. I wanted to look like I did not need a wheelchair. I wanted to prop myself up and get my own self to the car and drive away and look just like everyone else.

We need people to care for us and to minister to us, to be the hands and feet of Christ. to us... but we don't really want them to. .. there is a power struggle in that. If you care for me then you must be more stable, more healthy, more together, more on top of things.... more mature, more Christ-like. I don't like that. That is my pride. I truly don't feel like I am those things when I am helping others, but I am seriously suspicious of anyone who is ready to help me. I can do it on my own. I can prop myself up, I can put my own chair in the car, I can drive. I don't need your help. But, I know, getting in my car would go so much faster if someone would stop and help. Being helped, being loved or cared for, that requires humility. I have to let you in, and let my guard down. Humility is a word I use often. It is the opposite of pride. Those two things are at war within me. Self verses spirit, pride verses humility. It leaves me crippled and in need of help sometimes. But is anyone really ready... Does anyone even see me? If no one sees me, then do I have to ask, because that is humiliating. I would rather do it all myself than ask.

So what does this all mean? I really don't know. I wonder how many people are driving around, looking so OK. But they are crippled, either emotionally, spritually, or in some other way. Are we seeing them? Are we even looking? I don't want to be either of those people. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be crippled. But I don't want to be the person that doesn't see another is hurting. I wonder sometimes, when I am not feeling crippled, if I even really care enough to look around to see what is going on in the eyes in front of me... I wonder if I am oblivious. I also wonder if being crippled... if suffering is the only real way we ever are able to see the other hurting person. I wonder.

America the Busy...(Featuring "Everything")

Here is something that a friend of mine who is a children's pastor wrote. It's called "EVERYTHING" and it is a very thought provoking piece on what we are teaching our children about excess and what challenges we face as parents to combat this new American lifestyle.

http://thedivinedance.wordpress.com/2009/07/04/everything/

I had been feeling these things but was not able to articulate it in such a clever way. As a mom, in America, I have felt overwhelmed at the pressures that are set before me. I can not keep up already, and my children are only 3 and 5. I see my friends twirling about, driving (literally) themselves crazy. It seems like in my world the women don't have any time, they are stressed out, they are overloaded, and most of them are stay-at-home moms. But, their kids are in sports, their kids are in drama, their kids are everywhere all in the name of creating a good well rounded childhood for them. I know women who sit in carpool six times a day, for three different children. I know so many women who are at three different ballfields a day, every day but Wednesday, all in the name of recreation.

I am not judging these families. In many ways I think this kind of extreme activity snuck up on America over the last ten years. It seems to be getting more and more difficult to say no to this lifestyle. So much fear about leaving our kids alone, not supporting them, and being the only parent NOT at the game. It is overwhelming, but how do we stop it? My biggest complaint about this lifestyle, is no one I know really likes it. They are all so tired. I am tired just watching. So what is it for? Why all the busyness? Why? What are we teaching our kids, but little more than they are the center of the universe? How does that translate into what we are teaching them about Christ and faith? Faith is about humility, and the fact that we do not deserve what we have been given. Are we distorting what sacrificial love looks like? Are they forming an expectation that they SHOULD be sacrificed for? Do they understand the purpose of it, or does it become another expectation?

In one generation I think there will be a world full of grown ups who were raised as children who were the center of their parent's universe. Will they even feel like they need a Saviour? Are we raising narcissists? Maybe that's going too far, maybe. I do think they will be frustrated, because they will be competing with others who were raised this same way. It will be difficult for them to function in a job, in a marriage, anywhere they are not the center of the universe. We are already a selfish nation. "We want what we want and we want it now." Is this way of life going to translate into complete destruction of community? There is nothing wrong with sports, or drama, or ballet, or anything really. I wonder though, what are we teaching our kids about their place in the world when we are allowing their interests and skills to become the focus of the entire family schedule. We need to consider the message we are sending them, because they are forming their identities based on what we tell them, and by what we do for them. I know this will make some people feel like I am judging and condemning them. I hope not. My hope is that you will consider why... Why we are doing all of this? Why are we killing ourselves?... Who is benefiting from it? What will our future as America look like if we keep this up.

I considered not writing about this, but then, I am to a fault compelled to say what I think. If you hate it, I am sorry.

Deeply Random Thoughts....

You know I love Jack Handey, creator of the deep thoughts segment that used to be featured on Saturday Night Live in the early ninety's... I confess I am also a deep thinker. It is really how I spend most of my time. Even when I am engaged in the real world it seems that every bit of information I take in is used as evidence in formulating an idea or thought about something. So, since Jack Handey has coined the "Deep Thoughts" phrase I think I will claim "Deeply Random Thoughts" for myself. So this is just a segment where I will elaborate on some of my less serious or lengthy observations about life.

So here goes the first installment of "Deeply Random Thoughts" by Jennifer Baker

1) "GOT MILK?"
This continues to frustrate me. Why is the milk in the back of the store? When I go to WalMart, I feel like I am carrying my milk around for hours. It should be in the front. I can see no good reason for it to be in the back. The only slightly devious thing I can come up with is that they are expecting that you might shop more if have to go to the back. We live in an excessive society, so I really just don't think it would effect their sales all that much if they put in the front. Isn't the freshness more important??? Probably a very good reason they leave it back there, is that somewhere along the way that was just the way it was done. Therefore, if it was always done that way, it so shall forevermore be done that way. This kind of reasoning makes me and my right-brain thinking very frustrated. I have never been satisfied with that answer to any question I have.... "that's just the way it is" or "that's the way we have always done it" drives me to a special part of crazy and leads to inner screaming. I just don't buy it.

2) "AWW, POOR BABY!"
What kind of people take their babies and toddlers to the store after 10:00 for their casual family shopping? I just don't understand. And it's mostly couples I see do this, and the baby doesn't look sick, as if they were out picking up medicine or something... So this continues to bug me. Not to mention they are usually frustrated with their child, who obviously needs sleep. Why doesn't one of them stay home? They can call, they can text... It's called tag-teaming people. Sad. If anyone can give me hope for a better answer to this question then please do so.

3) "AWW, POOR POOR BABY"
I will not spend too much time here. I saw a baby the other day with double hoop earrings in her ears. She was the daughter of the clerk at a gas station. She was five months old. She will have splits in her ears by the time she is old enough to wear earrings. I could observe no obvious cultural or religious reasonings from the child's mother. I wonder when she will get that baby her first tattoo. It'll probably say "Mama". Get some sense! Too bad you can't buy sense at Walmart.

4) Now on to less negative yet still perfectly random thoughts.... I love the sunset. I am in love with light. I like to stare at the sky and see the beauty of God's artistic expression. Especially the sunset. It brings me great deal of happiness to see his work and the magnificence of what he has made. It reminds me that I am small, yet cared for. That He created something so beautiful, and that He created in me a preference for beauty, makes me feel very connected to him. It is like looking at peace. I feel the same way about the ocean. I could just sit and look at it for hours and never tire of the majesty and enormity of it, and yet, every grain of sand is accounted for, as well as every hair on my head. Seeing God like that does not make me feel lost, and overlooked, on the contrary, it makes me feel extra special, because I know He took the same care in creating me, and in planning my life.


5)I have been thinking a lot lately about the open road. I love the road. To drive, especially alone, is nearly therapeutic to me. When I am in my car alone, looking down into the horizon, seeing the stripes on the road zip by as if they were moving and not me, well, it is a little piece of heaven to me. Many a song is written about the open road. I have no affinity for convertibles though. It is not about the wind whipping through my hair, it is about a strange form of communion with God. It is downright peaceful. I used to have three and four hours to meet with some of my clients in my region. I loved the driving. I am an unusual mix because I am so desperate for people and connecting, but then, I must have time alone, really really alone. The road has always been a respite for me and my aching soul. I have come to some of the most powerful conclusions of my life while driving. I have met God face to face on the road, and it was in my car that my faith changed in a dramatic turn. I would give anything to go on a cross country trip on the open road, alone. Or with someone, It'd be fun either way. But, if I could go on a trip by myself to the beach, drive through the sunset, take photos of the locals, write, paint and draw, well that would be just right. I really should have been a hippie.

I hope you enjoy the first segment of "Deeply Random Thoughts" by Jennifer Baker. These are photos I have taken out and about and in and around. Thanks for reading.