Live Vulnerable. Live Open. Live Free.

Today I got a sweet gift. I woke happy and ready to greet the day, checked my email and BAM, bad news staring me in the face. I had applied for two jobs that I really wanted at a place I have been in love with for years. Both positions had been filled, and I did not get a call for an interview for either. Not to mention, one of my own dear friends and co-worker's got one of the jobs. A few months back, I had the same thing happen. A job that I had been building expectations for years that I would get when it came open, was sure was meant for me, and nada... not even an interview. The rejection of not having even gotten interviews has been wreaking havoc on my already fragile self esteem.

I felt like one of these three jobs would be perfect for me. However, I did ask God to completely close the door if they were not right for me at this time. So I guess not getting an interview saved me some time, and assured me that it is NOT in HIS plans. But, come on! Who really ever wants God to close the door. What we really want is for our wants to be the same as God's plans for us. We want to figure it out and take out all of the guess work. We don't really want to exercise Faith. We want to "claim" God's promises and "believe that" for ourselves. (Don't even get me started on porsperity theology!) Surprise Self, YOU were right! Hooray, you ARE totally in tune with God. You are wise Oh Great SELF! Not really, but, this is essentially the same-old same-old for me. I want life to be easy and it is hard. I want things to wrap up quickly and they drag on. I want to have it figured out, but in the end I am wrong. I want to be important and sought after, and I am lowered to begging people to notice me, professionally. I suppose I need God after all. I suppose I don't have it figured out at all. I am sick of it too, I'll be honest. It is discouraging me.

Then, of course I update my Facebook status, and let everyone know I did not get an interview. I happen to mention in one of the posts that my dream has always been to open my own counseling center. This is one desire that I have had since birth I think. My friend noticed my post and sent me an email that probably encouraged me more than I have been encouraged in a long time. She said that this blog and my writing has been an encouragement to her. She said she believed in me, and in my dream to start my own practice. She said some wonderful, and genuinely humbling things, things that, I confess, I want to hear people say about me at my funeral. Like, "The Lord speaks through you, you minster to people, you point us to our Saviour... you are being used as His vessel even when you don't know it." Awesome! Those kinds of words cause my soul to leap.

It is my greatest desire that this blog, and all the things I have been through are an encouragement, that they do point others to Christ and to His hope and peace. I believe in what I am doing here on this blog, but sometimes I shy away from the hard stuff. There is a lot going on in my life that would overwhelm you if I posted every blaring detail about my struggles. But, I have received some of the most encouraging emails and responses to my most intimate blog posts. It seems to me that there are many people out there who desperately want to express themselves, and be vulnerable. They want to rip open their hearts and expose all the darkness inside of them to the light. They want to say a lot of what I say, but confess that they don't know how. Well, I don't know how either. I really don't.

I wish that everyone could experience the freedom of vulnerability. The blessings I have received from others through-out this process have been so powerful in my life. In a sense, if I have gone through something difficult and you are encouraged by the story, then it was worth it for me to experience the pain. "Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be His name." I am doubly blessed in a sense.

I think I am going to make this my signature from now on...
Live Vulnerable. Live open. Live free!
Peace of Jennifer