I Am Dying to Live...

"When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride"

Where have I been... Why haven't I posted? What am I doing? The crowds shouting to know what is going on, are deafening! Well, not really, just a handful of people have asked those questions. Well, if you must know... I couldn't really tell you. For the past few weeks I have been here, just thinking. In some ways I feel like a wind up toy, walking and walking.... but stuck facing the wall and going nowhere. I am at a place in my life, where I am examining every personal investment I have made so far, including my family (i.e. husband and kids), professional/jobs, leisure activities, the way I spend my time, etc. Really, I have begun to put everything under the microscope of my faith.

This has been hard. I got to this point because my home, my life, my relationships, my schedule, my focus, my goals, they all seem out of order, out of control, or out of sync with what I really believe. I am reevaluating all parts of my life and the results are rolling in. So far, they are not good. In many ways, the current state of affairs in my life is a result of the long term consequences of ignoring my own sin.

For about a year now, I have been in this state. Last year it got so bad I wanted to run away from home. Chad assured me, once again, that it was not a good idea to run away, as he has had to assure me of that more than once in our marriage. Fortunately, we were struggling financially, so I just got a job. In true form, I threw myself into it and as usual it helped to distract me from the things I was avoiding. You see, I am a true escape artist. That is my method of operation. I don't usually run away, although I have threatened to go to the beach for three months on numerous occasions. Instead I run to something else or to someone else. People, relationships, jobs, (you should SEE my resume), interests, ministry, they all help me to avoid things. One thing really. There is one constant theme in this story. The one thing I am usually trying to run away from is the one thing I can never escape. Me. Myself. My selfishness. My pride. My sin.

For a long time, I have been choosing myself... putting myself first. Even if it does not appear that way to you, I have been impure in my thoughts, motives, actions, and deeds. Nothing I have touched has been untainted by this self consumption that I have perfected. The revelation of the level of my sin has triggered many of these blog entries. As I quoted John Piper a few entries back, I grow "uglier and uglier"... This deep cleansing of my soul has brought me back to a place where I have lived once before. Back to "The Crash of 1998". The difference is, I have not crashed. I know the truth of grace. I am not helpless. The truth has set me free. I am free. So, I am daily bringing this to the Cross. I am "pouring contempt on all my pride". I am submitting myself to the crusade for the murder of my selfish desires. I am in spiritual boot camp. I am being pushed further now than I have ever been. So much further than my comfort level. This hurts. It is painful. In many ways it feels like grief, causing a deep constant sense of sadness, but with hope. This is the fight. I am fighting for the "joy of my salvation" I have been paralyzed in my effectiveness as a Christian by my refusal to fight. So now...I am being purified, conditioned and trained. Wrestling with my self. Killing my "self". Giving up things I don't need, in training for the real race.

I really did not want to write about this. I don't know if you are overwhelmed by my processing, I really hope not. I hope that at the very least, you can see that I love my Saviour, and I intend to love him more. Out of that deepening love for Him, will flow the correction of the internal and external order of my life. I will quote my pastor (Davy Stephenson) and I don't really know if he was quoting anyone when he said this, but, the root of all of my sin is pride... "Pride is the overwhelming preoccupation with self. Humility is, therefore, an overwhelming preoccupation with the Lord." That may not be exact, but you get it. So I can only say, that what I am going through is just a difficult, necessary process, to produce in me, the one thing that can keep me from ever coming back to this place... the one thing that can keep me from forgetting what I have learned, the ONE and ONLY thing that can distract me from my selfishness... humility.

So bring it on. Shove my face in the mud. Step on my back. Push me. I want to give more. I want to live in the shadow of the Cross, not in the glare of my sin. I am dying to live. If I need to die to live then so be it.