The Crash of 1998

It was December, just after school let out for the holidays. I was packing up the free 2000 sq foot house we had at the boarding school to move to a two bedroom apartment. I was leaving a job that provided for our every need. I hadn't told my boss yet. I was running away. I couldn't believe I was giving all of that up for something, anything else. I thought it was the job that was the problem, the people. I thought it was my circumstance that was causing this deep depression I had been in for nearly a year. I thought I needed a change. I had not been outside of the house much for nearly a month. We had not eaten on campus in two months in spite of the fact that we had free meals in the dining hall. I hid from the students that I was working with. I certainly avoided the other staff. I was so unhappy, and I could not stay there one more minute.


Why was I so unhappy? Well for nearly two years I had been keeping a grueling schedule. I got this job the semester before I graduated with my masters. I had to work at my internship at Montevallo during the day, and then all night at the school. I was the Residential Counselor, which meant I lived on campus and worked out of my house. Traditionally, the kids had access to the whole house and to the counselor any time. I came to change things, and to impart all of my new found graduate school wisdom, into this traditionally un-programmed job. I never had a job description, so I just did what I felt was best at the time, however, the expectations that were placed on me were overwhelming. I partnered with someone who had no respect for me, who worked against me. I felt alone and unsupported. I really didn't understand territorialism. It did not fit into my paradigm. I was twenty three years young and still pretty immature about the ways of the world. I was also a proud "right wing conservative" and extremely naive' about the world. Let me tell you, not many conservatives survied in this liberal quicksand. At the time, I didn't know much about the ACLU, but I did know I was one of the few staff members that did not "carry their card"... My dream job turned out to be less dreamy than I had hoped for.

So, What did I do? For a while I threw myself into the job, the kids. I was up till three and up again at 7:00 with them. It was so imbalanced. I have not mentioned this before, but at this time we began to take on the task of raising my little brother who was just starting high school. He moved in with us at the height of my depression. My marriage was young, and I was totally distracted. Neither Chad nor I realized the deep impact this was going to have on us both before it was over. Chad told me later that we didn't share our "marriage bed" for somewhere around four to six months. He lost count... I wasn't counting. I was so distracted and depressed it didn't even occur to me, and I was genuinely shocked when he told me later. I had turned inside myself and wasn't coming out. Not for ANYONE. Sorry, I hope this is not too much reality for you...

So, I mentioned in my earlier post that I loved sin. I didn't mention which sins exactly. There are so many different ways in which I sin. I am no ordinary sinner. Forgive me for thinking I am original in my depravity, but I just don't want to get into it. In many ways I reverted back to my "old nature". I was a Christian, but this was my view of sin. Good Christians do good. Bad Christians do bad. Doing good = good Christian. Sin = failure. I was so drawn to the darkness... the depression consumed me. I let go of my faith and took back everything I had given to God. I justified my sin, minimized and marginalized it. I kept my secrets close. No one seemed to notice. I ached for God, for forgiveness, but I continued to bathe myself in sin. There was an intense wrestling match going on inside of me between my flesh and the Spirit. I was so clueless. I didn't know why I was doing these things... making these choices. I was defeated. I wanted to feel "good" again. I wanted out of this situation. I could never go back to being a good Christian while I was in this place, thus the immediacy of my resignation. I was convinced that if I ran away from the the "bad" and ran toward the Lord, I would find my way back to being good.

So, I made it happen. In two weeks I had a new job at a Christian adoption agency, as a counselor to young girls who were in a crisis pregnancy and considering adoption for their child. This was something I could seriously wrap my heart around. Life was going to get better. I was going to get better.... Little did I know the depravity of my soul was about to stare back at me, look into my eyes and speak to me... God was getting ready to call me out. He was about to do something totally dramatic in my life. To this day, I get chills when I think about that exact moment when I got it. It was real and powerful, and freeing. My thoughts about myself were about to be challenged in every way. My identity. My position in Christ. My view of people. My view of sin. Redemption. Everything I had been taught thus far, was about to be reshaped, purged, and purified. I can see the hands of the Potter on my soul with my heart on his wheel, turning me and shaping me, molding me into a humbled, perfectly broken vessel of His.

Next time I will tell you about that time I referred to when I wrote this preview in an older post:
Get READY. I am about to tell you the about the most meaningful experience I have ever had. How I became the person that I am at this moment in time, and the event that has shaped my faith in a way that no other event has before or since. My defining moment so to speak. The day that I went from a works centered performance based Christian, to a deeply humbled follower of Christ changed forever by His grace and mercy.

So next time I will tell you the hardest part of the story. It will conclude this series of seriousness. And oh, please give me some feedback. I feel kind of vulnerable here...