The Crash of 1998

It was December, just after school let out for the holidays. I was packing up the free 2000 sq foot house we had at the boarding school to move to a two bedroom apartment. I was leaving a job that provided for our every need. I hadn't told my boss yet. I was running away. I couldn't believe I was giving all of that up for something, anything else. I thought it was the job that was the problem, the people. I thought it was my circumstance that was causing this deep depression I had been in for nearly a year. I thought I needed a change. I had not been outside of the house much for nearly a month. We had not eaten on campus in two months in spite of the fact that we had free meals in the dining hall. I hid from the students that I was working with. I certainly avoided the other staff. I was so unhappy, and I could not stay there one more minute.


Why was I so unhappy? Well for nearly two years I had been keeping a grueling schedule. I got this job the semester before I graduated with my masters. I had to work at my internship at Montevallo during the day, and then all night at the school. I was the Residential Counselor, which meant I lived on campus and worked out of my house. Traditionally, the kids had access to the whole house and to the counselor any time. I came to change things, and to impart all of my new found graduate school wisdom, into this traditionally un-programmed job. I never had a job description, so I just did what I felt was best at the time, however, the expectations that were placed on me were overwhelming. I partnered with someone who had no respect for me, who worked against me. I felt alone and unsupported. I really didn't understand territorialism. It did not fit into my paradigm. I was twenty three years young and still pretty immature about the ways of the world. I was also a proud "right wing conservative" and extremely naive' about the world. Let me tell you, not many conservatives survied in this liberal quicksand. At the time, I didn't know much about the ACLU, but I did know I was one of the few staff members that did not "carry their card"... My dream job turned out to be less dreamy than I had hoped for.

So, What did I do? For a while I threw myself into the job, the kids. I was up till three and up again at 7:00 with them. It was so imbalanced. I have not mentioned this before, but at this time we began to take on the task of raising my little brother who was just starting high school. He moved in with us at the height of my depression. My marriage was young, and I was totally distracted. Neither Chad nor I realized the deep impact this was going to have on us both before it was over. Chad told me later that we didn't share our "marriage bed" for somewhere around four to six months. He lost count... I wasn't counting. I was so distracted and depressed it didn't even occur to me, and I was genuinely shocked when he told me later. I had turned inside myself and wasn't coming out. Not for ANYONE. Sorry, I hope this is not too much reality for you...

So, I mentioned in my earlier post that I loved sin. I didn't mention which sins exactly. There are so many different ways in which I sin. I am no ordinary sinner. Forgive me for thinking I am original in my depravity, but I just don't want to get into it. In many ways I reverted back to my "old nature". I was a Christian, but this was my view of sin. Good Christians do good. Bad Christians do bad. Doing good = good Christian. Sin = failure. I was so drawn to the darkness... the depression consumed me. I let go of my faith and took back everything I had given to God. I justified my sin, minimized and marginalized it. I kept my secrets close. No one seemed to notice. I ached for God, for forgiveness, but I continued to bathe myself in sin. There was an intense wrestling match going on inside of me between my flesh and the Spirit. I was so clueless. I didn't know why I was doing these things... making these choices. I was defeated. I wanted to feel "good" again. I wanted out of this situation. I could never go back to being a good Christian while I was in this place, thus the immediacy of my resignation. I was convinced that if I ran away from the the "bad" and ran toward the Lord, I would find my way back to being good.

So, I made it happen. In two weeks I had a new job at a Christian adoption agency, as a counselor to young girls who were in a crisis pregnancy and considering adoption for their child. This was something I could seriously wrap my heart around. Life was going to get better. I was going to get better.... Little did I know the depravity of my soul was about to stare back at me, look into my eyes and speak to me... God was getting ready to call me out. He was about to do something totally dramatic in my life. To this day, I get chills when I think about that exact moment when I got it. It was real and powerful, and freeing. My thoughts about myself were about to be challenged in every way. My identity. My position in Christ. My view of people. My view of sin. Redemption. Everything I had been taught thus far, was about to be reshaped, purged, and purified. I can see the hands of the Potter on my soul with my heart on his wheel, turning me and shaping me, molding me into a humbled, perfectly broken vessel of His.

Next time I will tell you about that time I referred to when I wrote this preview in an older post:
Get READY. I am about to tell you the about the most meaningful experience I have ever had. How I became the person that I am at this moment in time, and the event that has shaped my faith in a way that no other event has before or since. My defining moment so to speak. The day that I went from a works centered performance based Christian, to a deeply humbled follower of Christ changed forever by His grace and mercy.

So next time I will tell you the hardest part of the story. It will conclude this series of seriousness. And oh, please give me some feedback. I feel kind of vulnerable here...

In the Beginning...

I have certainly procrastinated in following up on my committment to write this entry. The truth is, it is really difficult to get this story across so that you will feel the full impact this experience had on my life. So I have been mulling, pausing, thinking about how to go about writing this. It's so different than talking. You can not see my expressions or hear the emotion in my voice that always bursts out of me when I tell this story. So much of this experience is rooted in my early years as a Christian. So I decided that I would start at the beginning of my faith, tell you about my "crash", as I refer to it, then tell you what happened the day that changed my life, and the difference it all made. So here is me, so they say....

First of all I was not raised in a "Christian home". My Dad hated the church and was raised as an angry Catholic. He equated religion with harsh, cruel and angry interactions with people who professed to follow the will of God. He and his six brothers and sisters had to fend for themselves and at one point were abandoned by both parents and some were shipped off to a Catholic orphanage. They eventually all came home. They were just your average poor white family rooted in industrial labor. My dad was 18 and my mom 14 when they had my older sister and married. Then I came along 18 months later in 1974. A second mistake.... Well, that is how I viewed the situation for most of my childhood. (I will have to give my mom a great deal of credit, though, Roe-v-Wade was put into law in 73' and she could have easily chosen to abort me.) Now, my mom did not hate the church, she just never demonstrated any feeling either way. (That is except for the time when she literally pushed me out the door at the invitation of a recruiting member of the bus ministry of a church that I later called..."A Home For My Heart".) My mom was into everything, astrology, plam reading, etc. etc... So I was a child of 2 confused teenagers, who were both products of dyfunctional, addicted, abusive, and neglectful homes. I am glad they married, although it was rough. It would have been more rough had they not.

So, I grew up angry. I was (am) a strong willed child. I don't mean just stubborn... I mean the "I'll die before I (fill in the blank).... so you're better off just giving in" kind of child. What can I say?... I was charming. I was mad at God and I didn't know why. By the time I was 12 I was writing poems about how much I hated my life. So I began looking for things to fill up that gaping hole inside of me that exists in everyone. I tried to fill it up with spiritual things. Then I became an atheist (an uneducated one) by the time I was 14. I thought Christians were all full of "it" and I became very committed to astrology and spiritualism. I could literally meet someone and within five minutes tell them their sign, without having been given their birth date. Hey, it's in the Bible. So, I didn't really need God, and in my opinion, He certainly hadn't done me any favors. Then I got into the Oujia board and started to pursue things that were associated with cults. Thank goodness I was so young. I am sure I would be a certified spiritualist by now if I hadn't been hindered by my young circumstance. I was very intuitive, and it made me feel really mature. Things at home were crumbling, and my anger was constant. We had ,what I would call, an explosive home and I was usually the bomb. So, I will leave much of that out. My mom, like I said, made me go to church. I honestly think she didn't know what else to do. She had papers in her room ready to send me to a behavioral center and threatened that if I did not go to church, I would go to "the center". So, at age 15, I chose to go to children's church under the notion that I would supervise my little brother. It was good. I didn't even know who "Father Abraham" was and certainly not about his many sons. After a few months I merged into the youth group, fell in love with Jesus, and became a Christian.... and that is the short story.

I threw out all of my "stuff" and quickly became a "good Christian". No drinking, no dancing, no rated R movies, no SECULAR MUSIC and certainly no astrology or oujia boards. I had my quiet time, and feverishly read the Bible. I was sincerely excited about my new found faith, and the changes the Holy Spirit had begun to make in me. I couldn't believe anyone who had faith in the God who had so sweetly rescued me, would ever betray him or even become lukewarm. I was told what was right to do, and I did it. I became a very bold "Jesus freak". I was a Bible thumping, stuff it down your throat in a sincere way, kind of girl. Really, I became a legalist. I used to my list to judge other people. If they weren't "living right" I made sure they knew it. I was immature, and really believed I was correct. I had pride in myself because I was good. I had pride, because I loved Jesus more. I had pride.

Then I met an older Christian guy and we began to date. He had a nice family, and I basically became a permanent fixture at his house. We dated for 2 and a half years. Before that I really hadn't kissed a guy all that much. Then we began to "backslide". I love using all these terms. So, as a brand new, on fire for God, motivated, evangelical (and I mean EVANGELICAL) witnessing, back yard Bible club, mission tripping, choir singing, CWT sharing, tract giving, prayer warrior, Carmen fan... I began to struggle with sin. I made sure I asked for forgiveness.... over and over and over... Ughhh! It was so frustrating! How could someone who truly loved Jesus, who was so grateful to Him, betray Him on a regular basis! I continued to check off my list and I kept the rest of it to myself. My behaviour and enthusiam for God was rewarded in the church, but my heart was confused and tired. I began to hate myself.

So I graduated, and went to college. There is SO much I have left out. If you really want to know the details behind the details, we can talk. I had a great college experience. I made some wonderful friends and met my future husband. I was still a very "good Christian", and I was still making the same mistakes. I didn't get it. I was so sick of this pattern in my life. It is much like a marriage. How many times does a spouse forgive an affair? How many betrayals are enough to walk away? In my heart, in my actions, I felt I had betrayed God. My favorite line from one of my favorite hymns expresses it well, "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love..." That's me in a nutshell. I am a wanderer. Spiritually ADD. I like sin. That's the truth. I really like it. Don't you? I am the prodigal son. I am David. I am Peter. "You know I love you Lord".

I married my college sweetheart. I went to graduate school. I got my dream job as a counselor at a ritzy boarding school. We had a free house, free food, a fat paycheck, and no bills. Life was good. Too bad I was still me! Same show, different channel. And that is where I will end this amazingly long entry. I will tell you about "the crash" next time. I hope you'll stay tuned.

The Most Personal Thing...

This blogging thing has been really hard for me. I will have a great idea, a tug at my heart to go and write out my thoughts, and then daily life swallows me up, and I inevitably have to make someone a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich or chase someone with a tissue. So I think, yes! I am definitely going to write about that! And whatever it was is gone like Patrick Swayze's, one hit wonder "She's like wind...".

I don't know why I toil so over the content of this blog. I just feel like, maybe, if someone actually takes the time to read it, then it must be at the very least interesting. Hopefully any visitor of mine would at least not regret the time it took to read it. OK, I am still toiling. Picture me twiddling my thumbs and writing. I have a friend who writes in her blog everyday about her kids, and another who writes astounding theological revelations on a regular basis. Then I think, I am writing about myself... What a vain, self centered thing to do! Really, I said before, this is therapeutic. Maybe you will get something out of my personal journey. Maybe not. So all that to say. Get READY. I am about to tell you the about the most meaningful experience I have ever had. How I became the person that I am at this moment in time, and the event that has shaped my faith in a way that no other event has before or since. My defining moment so to speak. The day that I went from a works centered performance based Christian, to a deeply humbled follower of Christ changed forever by His grace and mercy. I am making this declarative statement so that I will follow through with sharing this story. I don't tell everyone, because not everyone can handle it. Especially among my Christian acquaintances and friends. It is a hard story to hear. Not totally my own story, but it totally changed me. Completely. So then. next time, I promise to tell you.