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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Mat Kearney Tribute

Here is a little poem I wrote about some of the music of Mat Kearney that has been playing non-stop in my head, my car, my phone, etc.... Sometimes an artist can just move you. I don't get this excited about everyone, but so many of his songs, dare I say, ministered to me. I feel connected to a lot of his writing, his lyrics can be universal and sometimes make me feel as if he was writing about my life. And yes, I am a fan. You may think I am silly if you wish, but if you read poetry or books, or watch movies because they inspire you, then you are silly too. Basically, all music is leading us to feel something, and the best of it can heal something. This is what I am currently " feeling".

Mat Kearney Tribute

Every note that you wrote
Every line that I heard
It mixed and it stirred
Something inside me
Every last word
Moved me
Brought me back to feeling
Bought me a peace of healing

I listened close to the words
Studied the meaning
Heard them when I was dreaming
Brought me back to life
Led me to the Light
Helped me to fight
The gray day
Grasp at the fray
“City of black and white”

So you sit and you write
Late in the night
Maybe by morning light
You wonder if we hear
You wonder if we care
What your meaning
What your feeling
Buy what your dealing…

I’m in my home
Thinking alone
Trying to find the Way on my own
I listen at night
And in the morning light
Maybe you've been there
Well, I hear and I care
What your meaning
Can feel what your feeling
Can buy what your dealing

Oh, Oh, here we go again
I’m listen to that song again
Helps me hold on to You
Helps me to make it through
Clinging tight to the Hope
Letting go of the rope
That binds me
By day, by night
Chains are getting tight
But still fighting the fight
Gonna play that song again

So I’ll sing like I’m free
I really want to be
"Cause all roads lead back to You"
"On and on and on..."
We can make it through
Down the winding road
Nothing left to choose
Nothing left to lose
Singing Hallelujah in my veins

Maybe it was you,
That opened my eyes
Pointing to the skies
Woke my morning up
Pulled me "Closer to Love"
Listening to that song again.
Gonna play that song again.
Singing Hallelujah in my veins...

....Thank you Mat Kearney. Saw you at City Stages in Birmingham, and appreciate your music.



Sunday, June 21, 2009

Intimate Thoughts on Music

Sometimes music can do things for me that no other thing can. I am one of those people who loves music, I mean, it is beauty to me. Any emotion I have is there somewhere in a song. Music and words are the most beautiful form of artistic expression to me. If you could ever hear what is going on inside someones head, if you listened to mine you would hear music. Sometimes only music can match the depth of emotion that I have going on inside of me. It is the only satisfying expression of the sum of all that is erupting inside my soul. Some people enjoy music, but for me, it is necessary... Without it, I would wither.

In The Shawshank Redemption, one of my favorite movies of all time, there is a scene when Andy Dufresne, the innocent banker who was wrongly imprisoned, locks the door to the warden's office and plays a recording of an Italian opera over the intercom system for the entire prison to hear. There is a beautiful quote about music that comes after this scene by Morgan Freeman, who plays Red, a guilty man who has lived most of his life in prison...

Red: [narrating] "I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about.
Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free." After Andy was released from "the hole" he and Red were talking about the stunt he pulled....
"Andy Dufresne: That's the beauty of music. They can't get that from you... Haven't you ever felt that way about music?
Red: I played a mean harmonica as a younger man. Lost interest in it though. Didn't make much sense in here.
Andy Dufresne: Here's where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don't forget.
Red: Forget?
Andy Dufresne: Forget that... there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside... that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours.
Red: What're you talking about?
Andy Dufresne: Hope.

Music is the most beautiful thing on earth to me. Even the blind can see music. Even the deaf can feel it. Who can ever forget the performance by former Miss America, Heather Whitestone, the first hearing impaired pageant contestant, at the 1995 Miss America Pageant where she performed a magical ballet piece to "Via Dolorosa. Music is powerful.

So, I am not the first to think this about music. I know that. So many have written or said the same thing I am writing. We express our love in music, our sorrow, our pain, our desires... our passion. We worship God by praising Him in song. We worship God by enjoying the beauty of music and of his creation, for it is He who created every note and it is He who created in us this powerful connection to song and melody. He created us in His image, and gave us the gift of the creation of music as well. We are enjoying His creation when we enjoy music. All music is relevant to God. All music is a reflection of His creation. I am ready for someone to say that only "Christian" music is relevant to God. If so, please comment and wear your boxing gloves, cause were gonna fight. I wish more Christian artists would stop selling out and write music that people other than just those who burned all of their tapes in the 90's can listen to. I feel like Christian radio is good, but isolated and limited, well, to "Christian" radio. I did not always think this. There were probably three years where I never listened to anything other than Christian music. If I did dip my toes back in secular waters I felt guilt and shame. I also regretfully burned all of my Cure and Led Zeppelin tapes. Thank goodness we have all moved on to MP3's so I can get over it now. I digress.

I am very excited about some new artists I have recently be-fanded. Mat Kearney is at the top of my list. He is intelligent, artistic, and relevant. His music is appealing to me on many different levels. The words, they are thoughtful, culturally relevant, and down right cool. He has the same melodic sound as Coldplay, but not as depressing. It is pretty clear that he is a believer. It excites me that people who know nothing of Christ stand in the audience or sing along on the radio to "Indescribable" or "Won't Back Down". His lyrics sneak up on you in the same way that U2's frequently do. I highly recommend him. But that is just me.

Enjoy this clip, and be free.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

What My Dreams are Made Of...

When I was in the sixth grade I started my counseling practice. It was on the teeter-totters. Kids would line up and wait on me to give them advice. One after the other they would line up and wait for their turn for me to tell them which direction to go. That was twenty-three years ago. Since then, I became a counselor. That is what I have felt like I was supposed to do with my life. I was born doing that. For me, counseling is like breathing. I have been helping people my whole life. That is not always good, well not as good as it sounds. If you neglect yourself and your family, it can't ever be fully good. But nonetheless, it has been good to be a part of peoples lives when they needed someone to be there for them.

So, I have this quandary, I just don't know where to go. I don't know what to do. I confess, staying at home with my kids is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. So glad I didn't have to apply for that job, or I may not have gotten that one. Nonetheless, I have always worked, and loved it. Because my husband is a teacher, I have always had a side job. I have been able to work from home, or at my church, or at night since my girls were born. Right now, as I have stated before, I have no job. This is the first time in my life since I was 14 and got a real work permit that I have been completely unemployed. When I was in college and graduate school, I always had at least two jobs, and have had as many as four. You do what you need to just to make it when you are paying your own way. Still paying my way to college every month thanks to Sallie Mae. Working has been something that has always been necessary for me to do.

My dilemma is I don't know which way to go. I have a dream... I am going to declare it right here on this blog. I have two things. I WANT TO BE A WRITER! I want to write professionally, for journals, for blogs, poetry, short stories, songs, poems, etc.... The second thing is to open a non-profit counseling center. It is my life calling. I have been daydreaming about this for at least nine years now. I know these two areas are different, but they are very compatible. .. So I am asking God for wisdom and for conclusions about the timing, the how, and the what.

But. alas my real dream I fear will never come true. Since the seventh grade my affection for counseling has been in a heated race in competition with my serious need and desire to learn and master the drums. I desperately want to be a skilled drummer. I want to play fast metal beats like in "Fade to Black" by Metallica, or GNR's "Sweet Child O' Mine" and "Welcome to the Jungle", not to mention every single Led Zeppelin song ever, and "Pyromania"..... Well, let's just say I have a list. And no, I am not kidding. But, for now, I don't have a drum set, so I will continue to concentrate on reality.

Which also reminds me, I need to call the ADD clinic back. Back to dreaming. :)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

So long 34.

I have been doing some serious thinking lately. I guess I always am, but lately it has been mostly about who I am, why I am here, what I really want to do with my life, how do I really fit here... You know, the stuff that vague prayers are made of. "Lord, please show me what you want, lead me, tell me what to do....which path" etc, etc. I hate to be in this position at the dawning of my thirty-fifth year of life. For some reason I thought I'd have it figured out by now. I mean I have already accomplished a lot in the 34 other years I have been here. But what now? All of my life feels like it is building into something, leading to something, but what it is I just don't know.

So I had a bad year last year. Really, really bad. For many reasons. I found out some things about myself that I really don't like. I am disappointed that I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I have hurt people. I have hurt myself. I am disappointed in some of the choices I have made. I have so many things that are still undone that were undone last year at this time. I am ready to start life again in the work world, but what does that mean? I have questions, questions, questions... I don't want to see any posts that reference Phil 4:6-7 either. Those verse's have helped me survive before and I know God will show me all of this in time. But answers are sweeter after you have asked the questions, I guess. Even if I never know, eventually, the answers will show up in my past.

You know how some years when you have a birthday, you don't even notice. Not much changes, not inside or out... This was not that year for me. It was rough; rough inside my heart, rough inside my home, rough spiritually. It has been hard not to sink, but the Lord has been gracious to me, as always. In reflecting on this past year, the year of thirty-four, I can honestly say a happy goodbye. The lessons I learned in your midst were hard and broke me. There is a lot of you I will take away, but I say a happy goodbye to you thirty-four, here is the open door.

So there are some dreams that I have. Some things I want to do. Some life I want to live. I guess I will share some since you are reading this. But I am going to save that for next time. Until then, Welcome 35!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Live Vulnerable. Live Open. Live Free.

Today I got a sweet gift. I woke happy and ready to greet the day, checked my email and BAM, bad news staring me in the face. I had applied for two jobs that I really wanted at a place I have been in love with for years. Both positions had been filled, and I did not get a call for an interview for either. Not to mention, one of my own dear friends and co-worker's got one of the jobs. A few months back, I had the same thing happen. A job that I had been building expectations for years that I would get when it came open, was sure was meant for me, and nada... not even an interview. The rejection of not having even gotten interviews has been wreaking havoc on my already fragile self esteem.

I felt like one of these three jobs would be perfect for me. However, I did ask God to completely close the door if they were not right for me at this time. So I guess not getting an interview saved me some time, and assured me that it is NOT in HIS plans. But, come on! Who really ever wants God to close the door. What we really want is for our wants to be the same as God's plans for us. We want to figure it out and take out all of the guess work. We don't really want to exercise Faith. We want to "claim" God's promises and "believe that" for ourselves. (Don't even get me started on porsperity theology!) Surprise Self, YOU were right! Hooray, you ARE totally in tune with God. You are wise Oh Great SELF! Not really, but, this is essentially the same-old same-old for me. I want life to be easy and it is hard. I want things to wrap up quickly and they drag on. I want to have it figured out, but in the end I am wrong. I want to be important and sought after, and I am lowered to begging people to notice me, professionally. I suppose I need God after all. I suppose I don't have it figured out at all. I am sick of it too, I'll be honest. It is discouraging me.


Then, of course I update my Facebook status, and let everyone know I did not get an interview. I happen to mention in one of the posts that my dream has always been to open my own counseling center. This is one desire that I have had since birth I think. My friend noticed my post and sent me an email that probably encouraged me more than I have been encouraged in a long time. She said that this blog and my writing has been an encouragement to her. She said she believed in me, and in my dream to start my own practice. She said some wonderful, and genuinely humbling things, things that, I confess, I want to hear people say about me at my funeral. Like, "The Lord speaks through you, you minster to people, you point us to our Saviour... you are being used as His vessel even when you don't know it." Awesome! Those kinds of words cause my soul to leap.

It is my greatest desire that this blog, and all the things I have been through are an encouragement, that they do point others to Christ and to His hope and peace.
I believe in what I am doing here on this blog, but sometimes I shy away from the hard stuff. There is a lot going on in my life that would overwhelm you if I posted every blaring detail about my struggles. But, I have received some of the most encouraging emails and responses to my most intimate blog posts. It seems to me that there are many people out there who desperately want to express themselves, and be vulnerable. They want to rip open their hearts and expose all the darkness inside of them to the light. They want to say a lot of what I say, but confess that they don't know how. Well, I don't know how either. I really don't.

I wish that everyone could experience the freedom of vulnerability. The blessings I have received from others through-out this process have been so powerful in my life. In a sense, if I have gone through something difficult and you are encouraged by the story, then it was worth it for me to experience the pain. "Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be His name." I am doubly blessed in a sense.

I think I am going to make this my signature from now on...
Live Vulnerable. Live open. Live free!
Peace of Jennifer